How to End the Painful Pattern of Arguments in Relationships
If you’ve ever noticed that you get into a lot of arguments in your relationship and then after taking a step back it kind of seems like maybe you picked the fight and you’re not even sure why you did it or what happened, here’s what might be going on with that.
To you it might seem like your partner has wronged you in some way and you need to speak up about it.
For example let’s say you asked your partner to take out the trash and they said they would do it (or maybe you didn’t explicitly ask them to take it out but it should be obvious because the last time they put something in there it was overflowing). An hour later the trash is still in the kitchen and your partner is doing something else.
Your heart begins to race, you begin pacing the floor and you’re thinking that this means your partner has lost respect for you or doesn’t care about your health, safety, or peace of mind. Then you march right over to let him know what he has done wrong (like he doesn’t know already, right?).
An argument ensues and you might even consider leaving because these kind of things keep happening and you’re beginning to think you’re with the wrong partner. They “never” seem to show up for you when you need them.
Confrontation doesn’t seem to help. So how can you get them to show up for you when you need them?
Well, this may not be the best question to ask. A better question might be – what caused you to believe and expect that someone who loves you won’t show up for you?
In order to solve this we really look into where did you create the story that people don’t show up for you and that anytime someone doesn’t do something immediately it means they are never going to do it and they don’t really love you and now the relationship is in trouble.
Where did you create that story? Well, we need to look at your past and see what happened with your family or previous relationships.
For example, maybe you witnessed your mom asking your dad to do something and he responded with insults or literally turned and walked away. As a child that’s so painful to watch two people you love treat each other that way. Your young impressionable mind may have interpreted this as a message that love hurts or people abandon you if you speak up and ask for help.
The emotional wounding from the past causes you to abandon or disconnect from healthy relationship dynamics in the present (you’re repeating what you subconsciously believe about relationships). That’s why you seem to attract partners who argue, turn away, or abandon from you.
Once you have awareness around what’s causing you to create that story and you identify what the emotional wound is, you can begin to heal by reconnecting to your worthiness to receive love. You can begin to feel whole and complete and trust yourself and therefore you’ll be able to trust others. You’ll be able to create and maintain a healthy relationship and you’re not going to have this pattern anymore of subconsciously starting arguments because you’re afraid of abandonment.
